Dr. Dula, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Epidural

++FAIR WARNING this post is a little explicit.  Those with weak stomachs should not read on.

We took a labor and delivery class in mid-November.  I thought the space of 2 weeks would give me enough time to distance myself so that I could write funny little anecdotes about the class - we shall see.  First, some background.  We are going to deliver at Rose Medical Center, known for giant luxury 'birthing suites,' insane security measures, and fantastic parenting classes.  Isn't it pretty:

One would think that such renown classes would take place in a beautiful room, possibly with a view of the rose garden pictured above.  One would be wrong.  We showed up with our pillows and blankets (because everyone innately brings pillows and blankets to parenting classes, though no one knows why) and were directed to the back elevators that took us to the basement. After a ten minute walk through a windowless labyrinth we found the 'auditorium.'  Unlike the name implies, there was no stadium seating in the auditorium, just a semi-circle of chairs in front of a miniature stage with what looked like a perky fitness instructor sitting cross-legged. Strike one for the class - do not take 11 women who have never been this large in their entire lives and have them stare at Miss. Small-Town USA, 1996, for a weekend, especially if she can still sit cross-legged.

It did not take me long to figure out why we were sent into the bowels of the medical center: birthing videos.  With full audio.  We watched 6 of them over the 2-day, 10-hour class, most of which were au natural and did not pull ANY punches. I will not go into detail, but if there was a question about whether a video camera could be in the room, it has been conclusively answered in the negative.

After the first two snippets of educational programming,  Miss. STUSA (96') went into her ordeal on the Pain.  IT will be painful.  IT will be long.  But, IT is something that has been done for centuries without drugs.  Cue the proverbial record scratch.  Despite her detailed description of the Pain (with full color video evidence), this woman did not believe in the Drugs.  With the guidance of Miss. STUSA (96'), all we would need is positive thinking and the chutzpah to let the nursing staff know that we would be bringing Buttons into the world without any toxins in my system.  Strike two.  Luckily, the Friday night class ended shortly after this revelation and we were all able to go home and think about what we had learned.  I think the lesson was don't get pregnant, but I am not sure.

By some miracle all 11 couples returned the next morning, pillows and blankets in hand, ready for more birth canal carnage, follow by some (very light) light lunch.  This time the videos were complemented with ancient art depicting how labor has been done for centuries without medical intervention:

She looks comfy, no?

Next, we got to try different positions to make the natural experience more comfortable. Turns out it does not so much involve pillows and blankets, but a stability ball, a Jack Johnson CD and a husband willing to give you nonstop back massages. Reebok must have made a killing in ancient times.

It was all fun and games until finally a fellow student mustered up the courage to ask about the Drugs. Can the Drugs be helpful? Are they really that bad for baby? Am I dooming my child to non-honors classes by easing my way through one of the most painful things ever depicted on tv? Apparently this was the segue Miss. STUSA (96') was looking for.  We all held our breath as she flipped the projector to a section of slides on the dreaded Drugs.  As it turned out the answers are: Yes, No and Please Leave My Classroom You Are Already Going to Screw Up Your Child With Those Kind Of Expectations (the latter answer was a No, but her eyes spoke volumes more).

She spent a good hour and a half discussing the tradeoffs of using the various pain medications and the studies backing up these perceived risks and rewards. It was incredibly helpful.  As I expected, there are some benefits and drawbacks to using - and not using - the Drugs, but neither are as monumental as either proponent would have you believe. Really, its up to you what you want to do,  just make an informed decision.

There was another 2 hours or so of class, but I don't really recall what we discussed in them.  I had gotten what I needed from the class without getting to my third strike - the assurance that this was my decision and that I had the knowledge to make it.  I even think that 8 hour lead-in of ancient Jack Johnsonian techniques of birthing was helpful.  Just don't make me watch another birthing video.